and so it rained!

Have you ever noticed the gleam of a wet road under yellow streetlamps? It almost looks like a road made out of dirty gold, the way it gleams, so dully. Footsteps make no sound and even if they would, there aren't any footsteps that accompany mine. I walk alone (pretty much like Greenday, but without the aa-aa, aa-aa's!) I love the road when its like this, the rain has stopped, but some stray drops that the leaves overhead collected fall on my hair, glinting like tiny sequins I might have forgotten to shake away.
If it should start to pour now, I would like to get drenched in the cold rain. I would love to let my cotton clothes soak and cling to my skin. The water gets in my eyes, I have to close them and wipe the water away from my eyelids. The water enters my mouth, my face is wet, and I do little to stop that. My hair is heavy with the rainwater.... it will be frizzy when it dries. There are puddles and pools, a few more hours of uninterrupted rains, and it will 'flood'... When the rain stops, it would have washed up silt, dirt and grime up on this very road.
There are many reasons for which people hate the rains. And I have only one true reason to love them so much. I'm a dreamer and an incurable romantic, and walks in the rains, are right on top of my list!

(PS..the picture that accompanies this post is of course, part of my super modest photography, taken in a puddle in Coimbatore! )

Joooone!

I never knew it would be JUNE
this SOON!
I'm very pleased, I must add!
Pretty crappy month, though, June,
I like July way better!

as if you have a choice...

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear, my voice

I'll be right beside you, dear...

snow patrol.

So after Coldplay, I think I like these guys the most...

I remember telling someone recently, "I listen to obscure music"... I do, I do! and I love alllll of it... I like a song for what it speaks to me, and for what it talks about. Sometimes I just like songs because of the name of the song. Sometimes I like songs because it reminds me of places I've been to, or people I've met. Mostly, I like songs because, there is hardly a truer form of self-expression. Words and sound. Written and sung. Crafted on paper, and strummed on guitars. Some songs are palpable, reach out, and you can touch the melody.

Its past mid- april. wow!

a flower in my mothers garden

how lovely is this demarcation? between water and land? between dark and light? between you and me? and in the middle, in this thin curve of insanity, i find us. the holes in this beautiful flower reminds me of how flawed perfection is. Perfection is flawed? or are flaws perfect? We have faults, and we tend to them with love. We have difficulties and we look at them fondly, because however difficult life gets, after all its ours to live. and love.

Something almost out of a dream.

There's something special about living by the sea, and the seasons deciding not to follow the patterns they are supposed to according to fifth standard geography books. Its all mixed up really. Sometimes I feel that every season is exploding into each other, slowly merging into each other to disorient me. Every tree decides to shed its leaves when its' heart so desires. There are beautiful red leaves under my feet when I walk ever so dreamily, fooling me into believing that its autumn. And when I look upwards towards the hot Sun, it streams through translucent jewel green leaves, filtering its yellow threads into the world. I walk slowly, imagining the textures of stone, of the roads, of your fingers linked with mine, of your voice. I walk past a school and the noisy children do precious little to bring me out of my dreamy world. The school buses full of laughter and fight, the fallen and rapidly melting purple ice-lolly, the dirty and cuffed uniforms remind me of an innocent, special time.

Innocent joy, what harm are we doing to anyone except for ourselves? Stealing magical time, once every day, spinning dreams together. Waiting so much just for those five glorious minutes. Such joy, and such reality. Waiting so much to never see that hated, despised word again. Bye.

Every song has your voice and every smile hides yours. Somewhere hidden, in the labyrinth of my imagination are the words you've said to me. I pick the days spent with you in my hands, and shiny, they slither to the floor. Softly, like a whisper , dreamily like a little child's mind, you intoxicate me with my own name. Why does it sound so beautiful coming from you? And why does yours roll off my tongue, silently, like a secret. I am almost afraid to say it out loud, the walls have ears or so they say. Why should the walls know my innermost thoughts?

There already is early summer fruit on the mango trees lining my lane. The koels are waiting expectantly for the fruit to swell and sweeten, so that they can bore into them, drinking the sweet nectar. They wait, and so do I. They do not falter, like every generation before this one.
I will not falter, when I know you await me too.

Ahaa!

"Tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that’s the truth
They don’t love me, I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell ..."

Garbage, tell me where it hurts.

ok, bla!

WRITERS BLOCK!

I don't feel like writing anything. I'm living such a diametrically opposite existence. I'm almost ALWAYS smiling to myself while on the train, the over-freaking-crowded stations, the walkways... I smile at anyone, and I feel blessed. If the radio plays an unepected favourite, I feel like the heavens have descended upon me. Even the grime of Andheri does little to bring me down from the clouds I increasingly find myself in. I navigate through traffic almost giddily, breaking onto tiny dance steps anytime. If I look up, and find light streaming in through the patchwork of some tree, I twirl around, and feel like I'm in some stupid Falguni Pathak music video. I think I'm really liking being alone so much.

All this joy, and the slowly creeping realisation that its too dear, and it may just go one day. And the quick descend to mother earth.

'Til Kingdom Come....

How ironic to have found this song TODAY!
How very ironic really. I really adore Coldplay. Have you seen the video of their lovely song "Fix You" ? In the end, the entire audience sings along with Chris Martin.... though I know THAT is nothing new in concerts, I just adore the way everyONE sings "And igg-ni-ii-ii-ii-tteee your bones...."
They (Coldplay) sing INTO your hearts... though my love and admiration for Coldplay is relatively new, considering how long they have been around, I hope they never stop! More than anything, I love the way a song gets inside your head, and till you listen to it on repeat, doesn't let go...
Every song of theirs becomes "Favourite Coldplay Number of the Fortnight!"!

I just truly love them!

And the song, the ironic song!

" Steal my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time, my time has come
Let me in, unlock the door
I've never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know which way I've come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you, I've waited all these years

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn't change a single thing

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don't know which way I'm going
I don't know what I'll become

For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for ME"

Sparks.

These days are magical. I find myself walking slowly, rapturously, late at night. Breathing the crisp air, almost devoid of the dirt, heat and pollution of the day. Taking full steps, languorously. Listening to favourite Coldplay songs and walking home. I have come to cherish this part of the day, have come to look forward to it.

But, most of all, these days are magical. Nothing distresses me more than the certainty of their end. And their certain end being so Close. I can't even honestly wish for them to carry on like this, guilt-ridden, laden with tempt, and their very existence being questioned, again and yet again.

Nothing saddens me more, than the obvious regret I will feel, and nothing could make this better. It stays.

I try to sing a few lines from a favourite song, and look up, alas, sadly in this over-ridden city, romantics can't even see the stars. So I twirl around- dizzily, madly, joyfully, and the few people on the streets must think I'm daft, but can I care? When everything I truly adore is ripping my heart out, can I honestly claim to care what unknown people think of the things I do?

I wrote an unaddressed letter yesterday standing in the train, grey lead running smoothly over paper, again and again, ceaselessly. I love the sound it makes, so soothing. The letter rests at the bottom of my bag, yellowing. I wish I could stamp it and mail it to you.

He talks of overhead costs. We scribble madly in our books, the "Budgeted Overhead Absorption Rate". I want to drown myself in you, live in your life, and all that I can think of is Fixed expenses, and Variable Expenses.

The only thing that is fixed, is this longing. And the only thing that is variable is this longing.

Why won't you realise?

A mad rush, curses and songs, trains and peoples,

A maddening beep, a twin blue light, I'm lost, a smile reluctant,

You can't stay mad at me, you can't stay away from me,

I fall like a grumpy petal, saddened and petulant.

Happy so-n-so

Happy New Year!!! Happy journey! Happy Valentine's day! Happy March! Happy Mothers Day! Happy Baisakhi! Happy Your Blue Tuesday! Happy Wedding Anniversary! Happy Being-In-Love day! Happy First Pink Mole day! Happy Birthday too!

I wish we could dispense happiness with the same ease that we can dispense these wishes....

There was this fantastic movie I saw, "13 conversations About One Thing"... and there was this line in it..."Ask yourself if you are really happy, and you cease to be so."

smile

"I adore you, why do I?

-Because you are the manifestation of all my dreams. Smile, and the world changes color. "

An excerpt from 'The Velveteen Rabbit'

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

About winter, happy smiles and drying flowers.....

Lately, I've been getting news about people falling in love from all quarters.... old school friends, college pals, colleagues, cousins, you name it- and they've fallen in love! Its so cool! I feel so nice to see everyone coupling up....and though I'm otherwise occupied (ie, too much work, I'm married to my books!).... I'm just loving it!

Its getting fractionally colder, and people are pulling out their pull overs. The air is getting crispier and I keep needing moisturiser. After monsoons, I like winters second best, because its such a nice time to walk in the afternoon sunshine. I remember, when I was nine and was down with chicken pox in the winter, and I'd spend all my afternoons in the sprawling lawns updating my "dried flowers" collection.... pressing them into heavy hardbounds, borrowing them from Dad... so things like "World War 2 : Strategy" had a daisy drying on page 257 and a chrysanthemum falling out of page 674....

It's lovely being in a sidewalk cafe on a wintry afternoon, and feeling the sunlight streaming down on cold faces. And smiling stupidly, wearing gaily colored sweaters and sneakers.

Today I was walking down a street early evening, and there was this cute little girl in her school uniform playing about at a bus stop a happy smile faint on her lips. She looked at me and smiled hestitantly, testingly... and I smiled back, because it felt so right....to smile like that- unmindful and without reason...

well, just!

"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?"
"Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."

Paulo Coelho

im loooooooooooooooooooooooooooosing you!

".....This is a blind kind of love
Oh oh oh, the sweetest thing

I'm losing you
Whoa haaa, I'm losing you

Ain't love the sweetest thing
Ain’t love the sweetest thing
Ain’t love the sweetest thing
Ain’t love the sweetest thing ?...."

The ONLY U2 song I adore!!! Its the sorta song that makes you want to break out into a Karan Johar movie-type song... suddenly jump and click your heels, or twirl around poles in happiness!! Or fling your arms in sheer exuberance and want to envelop the whole world in your embrace! Or do an extremely well choreographed little jig.
BASICALLY, this song makes me happy!!

random musings.

So, I have been travelling to and fro Chembur for a week, and needless to say, I've had loads of time to ponder bout stuff. And to day dream. But no time to blog! So I'm just probably going to ramble today -there's this huge list of things I've been dying to write.



Yesterday I saw this little cute girl of about 5 very obviously happy because she was wearing a very pretty dress. I don't know what it is about young girls, but put them in a pink frilly frock, and you have instant happiness running about!! The frillier the better. Ask any 3-9 year old her favourite color, and it IS pink. I remember, birthdays were all about one thing, getting to wear that new pink frock, with those pink shoes!! LOL. (yeah so maybe, some girls were the exception and played those horrible WWF cards, but yes the majority of the cute little girl fraternity loved pink in all its variants)



Also, I believe in Gaurdian Angels. I read ' The Valkyries' (Paulo Coelho) recently and it was all about finding your angel . And I believe in signs. So when I'm walking along an unfamiliar track, and I see something I like, or love, I take it as a sign- that I'm on the right track... its funny how a tiny insignificant thing can be so reassuring....

A few days back I was in a dilemma, very complicated. And I was sitting in this stationary train at Churchgate, with my head in my hands. Too tired and too confused to figure out what I should do. And then I made a decision. Making that decision set me free. I got down so happily from that train, and there was a joyous bounce in my step. It was almost like my angel was leading me, helping me. And inspite of the horribleness I had to do after that, I was maha-pleased with myself.

Def Leppard- Love Bites

This is, according to me, The Reason why God sent Def Lep to Earth!!! Seriously, were you to have half an ear, and love for 80's slow rock, this would be YOUR fav song as well. Its just so awesome.
I remember seeing it this August on Vh1, and for a song that released in 1987, thts something!
Someone on sing365.com reviewed it like this, and I couldn't have said it better myself!

" Love Bites is so sexy and alluring as my title says. A concert I recently attended definitely showed the electricity with this song. Every woman that had a mate was busy grinding them and was so into the lyrics of the song. The song is so magical and can transform a woman into an animal!!! "

Hmm, now this person got a lil graphic, but its true!
My fav lines are these- I love the way they've been sung

"I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it

No!"

Actually this entire song is one long sigh! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh....

this is the album Hysteria ('87) one of their best.

i like.

Now I like this. I like this part of the day. Early evening, no one home, no one online, nothing of importance to do other than blog. and listen to music. and read. Sometimes go out into the world. But if you know me you know how much I'd rather sit at home and think.

Another part of the day I really like is after dinner. Everyone retires into their own rooms, and since I've long given up on TV, I sit in my cubby-hole sweetheart, and listen to music. Just that. Sometimes Coldplay, sometimes cranberries. Occasionally in the dark as well. And I try to write. Because someone told me "Find out what you want to do, and go out and do it." This was when I was hopelessly wailing to him that my life lacks direction. (the whole "I'm lost" teenage sob story). But he's so patient to hear me out. I like him for that. A lot.

I like Yellow. By Coldplay. Yesterday, I put it on repeat and forgot all about everything else. What a lovely song. Though I still don't know why exactly yellow, but its just right. It makes sense. Coldplay is a band you listen listen to relentlessly, forget all about them, and suddenly suddenly, you WANT to listen to them. And so you rush, to your computer, or wherever you keep your music and since you must, you're lost in them again.

"I like you. I do love you, or that is what I tell myself, but I do like you too. "
The first time I realised there was a difference between liking and loving was when I was 12 and heard a song by Right Said Fred. It went like this "We love you but we don't like ya,/Don't like ya, don't like ya,/We love you but we don't like ya."
And that's when I figured there was a difference. I just presumed liking someone a lot, lot led you to loving them. But that's not how it is. At least not now. Childhood is a distorted place. Anyways, you could love someone and not like them. At least you wouldn't like them if you didn't already love them. Like family. If you weren't taught to love all family, come hell or high water, would you? Would you be friends with all your cousins if you had a choice? But currently, you love them.
OK, enough with love.

I like stringy yellow lights. Somehow I have never liked the colourful ones people put up. The ones that go "Green-Blue-Red-Yellow FLASH FLASH Green-B-Y-R FLASH thrice now". I like the ones that stay bulb yellow, are tiny and don't do jiggly dances. They're more romantic.

I like Michael Hutchence. One of my "Self Deserved Treats For Great Efforts Put In To Be A Good Girl" include listening to "Beautiful Girl" by INXS at full volume. Aaaaah! To have lived on this planet and not have listened to Michael Hutchence croon. How devastating! (OK, I know I'm going overboard).

oh, wht a colossal waste of time. But like I said, I like this

Perceptions

We all are tied down by perceptions, aren't we? By what we think of ourselves, by how the people who know us think we are. I am so different with different people. In any relationship, we assume roles. I think of you this way and were you to change that idea I'd tell you " You've changed!" never mind if that is the way you have always been. But that was not the way you have been with me. In certain company, we are expected to behave certain ways. Childish, grown-up, foolish and fool-hardy, talkative- the non-stop, and the quiet one. And because we are expected to, we go and lead them on. If you want boring out of me, that is what you get.

I KNOW the things you say. Sometimes I can predict conversations and they turn out exactly the way they were in my head. But if they didn't, I don't know if I'd like the change. You are a person I count on, would I like it if you suddenly got sarcastic with me and snapped? Or would I like it if you weren't sarcastic all of a sudden? In a way, the person I'm in love with is a person inside my head. If I were someone else, I'd probably not see the special person that I perceive you to be. Oh what a loss. To not see you in this beautiful light I do.

And it works both ways. I know the answers people expect out of me. When someone says "Hws you maaaan? Wassups?" How many times have I replied saying the truth and not a pre-programmed answer? We will reply saying "I'm good. what bout you? Wassups?" Evn if the true answer is "I'm utterly saddened by the state of things I find myself in. Nothing's up. The only thing up is my manic want to kill the person who started this trend of sayin "Wassups?"...

We live in a beautiful world with the most beautiful perceptions about it.

angeltread

Now I've lost my fear
So I pray that you come near
With a million sparkly lights
And help me, help me through the night


Is this some kind of holy test
To stitch the treadmarks off my chest
To get up, walk outside my head
On a holy search for angeltread


sixpence none the richer...