Perceptions

We all are tied down by perceptions, aren't we? By what we think of ourselves, by how the people who know us think we are. I am so different with different people. In any relationship, we assume roles. I think of you this way and were you to change that idea I'd tell you " You've changed!" never mind if that is the way you have always been. But that was not the way you have been with me. In certain company, we are expected to behave certain ways. Childish, grown-up, foolish and fool-hardy, talkative- the non-stop, and the quiet one. And because we are expected to, we go and lead them on. If you want boring out of me, that is what you get.

I KNOW the things you say. Sometimes I can predict conversations and they turn out exactly the way they were in my head. But if they didn't, I don't know if I'd like the change. You are a person I count on, would I like it if you suddenly got sarcastic with me and snapped? Or would I like it if you weren't sarcastic all of a sudden? In a way, the person I'm in love with is a person inside my head. If I were someone else, I'd probably not see the special person that I perceive you to be. Oh what a loss. To not see you in this beautiful light I do.

And it works both ways. I know the answers people expect out of me. When someone says "Hws you maaaan? Wassups?" How many times have I replied saying the truth and not a pre-programmed answer? We will reply saying "I'm good. what bout you? Wassups?" Evn if the true answer is "I'm utterly saddened by the state of things I find myself in. Nothing's up. The only thing up is my manic want to kill the person who started this trend of sayin "Wassups?"...

We live in a beautiful world with the most beautiful perceptions about it.

a teenagers life

Firstly, I wish that as girls stepped into late teens, there was this Help manual we were handed out by some pretty angel, called "A 1001 Mood Swings- And How To Cope".
The same people who were 'cute with concern' one minute ago are suddenly assholic, you wonder why you EVER spoke to them in the first place, that they'd take a hint and get out of your life ASAP.
The same joke will invoke a violently different reaction, sometimes you will want to kill the same person, and other time you think that they ARE the reason you are.
AAARGGGHHHH!!!

Secondly I wish, people would stop telling me to grow up. How is it that they don't realise that THIS is where I WANT to be. EVERYONE has to grow up. We're only young for so long, one day everyone realises that "F*cking shit! I'm oollddd!"... why would you want the realisation to come earlier?

AND if, wanting to play in the rain, wanting to color with crayons, loving Candy-floss, laughing openly, stating precisely what I want and throwing a tantrum if I don't get it, is childish and immature (which it is), so BE it. But I like it that way. Its the thing with the younger kid, (Hey! we didn't get the one million snaps, we got the tantrums!). I'm not here to gray and wrinkle before I have to!
AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH !!!!

Thirdly, I WISH people took hints. SERIOUSLY big ones. Like "For the thousandth time, I don't want to talk about it." Pretty precise, you'd think. BUT some people DON'T listen! And there are those ones, you'd pray they'd just bloody understand. sadly.

AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Why dont they publish "A Guide to Understanding A Teen?"
and if they have, why dont people read it?!

my private constellation.

Your eyes have stars in them, and you are my private constellation.
Don't look at another like this, the lights will dull and I shall founder ,
A moving firework, you are, a billion little pieces of paradise you bring along,
Stringing them together with bolts of thunder.

angeltread

Now I've lost my fear
So I pray that you come near
With a million sparkly lights
And help me, help me through the night


Is this some kind of holy test
To stitch the treadmarks off my chest
To get up, walk outside my head
On a holy search for angeltread


sixpence none the richer...

fireworks

Tonight, there are fireworks in the sky. Something to do with Ganesh Visarjan. There's something so romantic about fireworks. Something happy and joyous. I like only a few things more than lying in bed in darkness and looking at the fireworks in the sky. (I have a Diwali ritual for it as well) It makes sense today, I had a wonderful day. Something about stars in your eyes, fireworks in the air. Pretty, isnt the world today?

dear, my love

"Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me ?
And dear my love, haven't you longed to be free ?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you
And at sweet night, you are my own
Take my hand...."

Evanescence, Anywhere.

Where is all this going? And does it even have to? Why is it all "lets see kya hota hain"?... I wish I had the courage to take my life in my own hands! OH, how!


"I have dreamt of a place for you and I
No one knows who we are there
All I want is to give my life only to you
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore
Let's run away, I'll take you there"

There is no pain, you are receding



Out of the entire song, this is the line that got stuck in my head. Weird, I'd say the song's been written so beautifully, there are better things said by the band. With the magnificent vocals and astounding guitar solos this song is one of the best classic rock songs ever.

"The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
but I have become comfortably numb."


My father, he listened to Pink Floyd a lot, and now, suddenly today I wanted to see wht they were all about. But then, he always had great taste in music!

By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept.

"If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. Then I will either wait for him or forget him.
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful.
But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of feeling."


Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart- someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. With that assurance, the time would pass slowly. We would be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for a conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.



"It's risky, falling in love."

"I know that," I answered. "I've been in love before. Its like a narcotic. At first it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.

"But then you get used to that person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love."

"What a horrible way to put it,"he said.


By The River Piedra I Sat Down And Wept, Paulo Coelho.


Love, even its illusion has altered my choice of books. Or maybe I've just grown up.
I love this book, its been written in a Classic Paulo Coelho manner, and its just beautiful.

for as long as we both shall live..

Joe Fox: You know, sometimes I wonder...
Kathleen Kelly: What?
Joe: Well... if i hadn't been "Fox Books" and you hadn't been "The Shop Around the Corner," and you and I had just met...
Kathleen: I know.
Joe: Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?


I saw "You've got Mail" recently, again on a lazy Wednesday afternoon... and needless to say, since its pretty much my fav genre, I loved it again. But since this time I was a good 10 years older than what I was when i first saw it, it made sense (other than pretty pictures!)..

So, anyways, there was this scene in the movie, where Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly, have put their bitter rivalry behind and have become friends, and have just spent a wonderful day in town, in the park...you know, the typical 'romantic comedy' day.... and she's to go to meet her 'net lover'.. the longing and chemistry between them is pretty evident (OF COURSE!!!)..
and then he says this

"Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live? "

Its so romantic.. the way he says it, ' for as long as we both shall live?'.. that's the time i think she realises that he loves her (and he acknowledges it...) I love it more, because I agree with it... with the whole concept of 'forever'... or, for that matter, 'for as long as we both shall live'....

Because its uncertain, and difficult and scary, committing yourself to one person (even if life will turn out differently) is a huge thing to do. To love someone enough to want to be with them everyday, is a very big promise that you make. Not only to the party concerned, but also to yourself. I don't want to be judgemental and say "Once you make it, stick with it"... Falling out of love is more commonplace than falling in love. So, I guess its ok. (Infidelity is NOT!) What can you do if you're married to someone, and the love of your life walks into your life? Shouldn't love be more important than a marriage that has lost meaning. I know I write this from a ring-side view, but I do know, everyone has a right to have their perfect love. To live in their world of red construction paper hearts. Everyone deserves it. And so.

nothing else compares!!

The lights go out and I can't be saved
the Tides that I tried to swim against,
Have, brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg, and plead, singing.

Come out with things unsaid
Shoot an apple off my head
And a trouble that can't be named
Oh a tigers waiting to be tamed, singing

You are
You are
You are
You are

Confusion that never stops
The closing walls and ticking clocks,
gonna, Come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know, singing.

Come out upon my seas
the Cursed missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure?
Or am I part of the disease, singing

You are
You are
You are
You are
You are
You are

And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares
And nothing else compares

You are
You are

Home, where I wanted to go, home
Home, where I wanted to go, home
Home, where I wanted to go, home (you are)
Home, where I wanted to go, home (you are)


CLOCKS! coldplay...

YOUUUUUUU AAAAAAAARRREEEEE, really.

Change!!

I can FINALLY feel change!! Its taking roots ans slowly spreading. We're changing, look. Life's changing us. I know its not going to be simple, but I've been stuck at the same place for SO long, any change is better than stagnation.
Finally, I feel that my life has direction, that does not involve one singular person. Like I'm headed *SOME*WHERE!! (The future's in the air/I can feel it everywhere/Blowing with the 'wind of change' )
This year, that I have cursed so much, so far, is finally beginning to make sense!! Yay! Maybe its too early to say anything, but it feels great. I'm seeing myself closer to two of my rather important goals. I'm getting a li'l selfish, and I'm liking it. (Why should I take anyone's bullshit
?!!) I've read some *very* enlightening books.
***
OK, totally different topic, but I hate needy people. I cnt take anyone whining at me "Take my calls, take my calls!!!" ... .dude! I like very few people thoroughly, and its for those ppl that I'd do anything, for the rest, take a hike. I prefer having few close friends, rather than this huge group where I'm lost in the crowd.

I'd rather love and lose, because its worth it. If three minutes with you makes me happier than spending three days with someone, wouldn't I want to live in those three minutes? If your words haunt me, wouldn't I rather cherish them, recall them, and replay them again n again in my mind when someone else is speaking? If the briefest memory of you makes me smile, wouldn't I just stay there? If apples are of your favourite colour, isnt it lovely the way they shine, stare at me, beckoning? Isnt it wonderful, how everything now has something about you?

Why dont people understand that I don't care anymore? Not if they like my profile, or my picture? Neither if they dont. Not if, I dont reply, nor if i dont call? Love, is specific. Why dont they get it?
"Pour forth thy grace into my mind,
This is the day
Pour forth thy grace, thou art divine,
This is the day" cranberries.

Coldplay has this line, I finally know what it means
"NOTHING else compares."

nothing. Love, like I said, is specific. Im in so deep, it'll take me ages to evn begin to comprehend it.

Distance

Well, according to one of my real close friends, "If you can manage the distance in a relationship, thn its the real thing. Because then its not about making out." However crude that is, I do agree. I've seen couples break up at the first hint of a ISD call. And these are people who were vowing marriage and assorted dreams. Which makes me really wonder... Whatever happened to all that love? Its weird. Like I might've mentioned before, I'm old fashioned to a fault, and the concept of a fling is rather alien to me. So.

And whatever happened to "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"

I'd add to tht,
"Its what makes the days grow longer,
Lets lovers long, perilously ponder,
Does it make our hearts stronger? "

long gone

'I think about my life gone by

How it's done me wrong

There's no escape for me this time

All of my rescues are gone, long gone.....'

Richard Marx...

There is something quite desperate in his voice when he sings these lines from the song 'Hazard'... Its so plain with longing...it makes me sad. There is always a time before my exams when these lines come to haunt me!!

These guys - Richard Marx, Michael Hutchence, Sting, Bryan Adams.... all of them have similar sounding voices.... husky and deep....and seriously, plain sexy.

Happiness

Happiness
Happiness, to some, elation;
Is, to others, mere stagnation.
Days of passive somnolence,
At its wildest, indolence.
Hours of empty quietness,
No delight, and no distress.

Happiness to me is wine,
Effervescent, superfine.
Full of tang and fiery pleasure,
Far too hot to leave me leisure
For a single thought beyond it.
Drunk! Forgetful! This the bond: it
Means to give one's soul to gain
Life's quintessence. Even pain
Pricks to livelier living, then
Wakes the nerves to laugh again,
Rapture's self is three parts sorrow.
Although we must die to-morrow,
Losing every thought but this;
Torn, triumphant, drowned in bliss.

Happiness: We rarely feel it
.I would buy it, beg it, steal it,
Pay in coins of dripping blood
For this one transcendent good.


-Amy Lowell.

A beautiful day,...er, night.

A crowded train, at 7 30, Dadar Stn, Weeknight, and I'm right in the middle of this throng of ladies. Its an effortless push into the crowded train. And then changing trains at Mahim, getting off at Bandra, waiting in an snaking queue for a rick(!!). Bombay, early september, so before you're outta the house, you feel wrung out and sticky. Sticky. Thats what anyone who comes to Mumbai for a short while, goes away feeling about it.
Anyways, and so, we go to crosswords, which is somewhere I realllly like to be. The sheer mass of written word excites me. Seeing a book that I have read, and being able to say whether its crap or not, or just looking at all the spines, picking out names, running fingers down lengths.... aaah! A bookstore (or a library) is my second most favourite place to be. (First being home!... I KNOW I'm lame!)
I found this cute li'l book called "LOVE...the feel good factor"...and it was so cute, I HAD to buy it. More so, because I read a line and it said "Love is the gentle art of hearticulture"... and thats what made me pick it up.
After that, we went to this pretty cafe/restaurant called Candies. I think a major part of the place's charm lies in the lighting, which looks straight out of some romantic movie. With soft yellow light streamers in straight parallel lines across the place. It was a cosy-couple(y) place to be, along with great food....and even though, we were the only two best friends among the canoodling crowd, we had a gala time. Its just always wonderful with your best friend! (Alongwith the certainty that you have cleared, and the birth of Julelal!!!)
Nothing outta the ordinary, but I don't know why there was something about yesterday that really struck me. It was sucha lovely time...

Love ya, Chappu with your red glasses!


And to quote something from the book, which Im sure, Ill do with regularity,

" Lavender, rose, ylang ylang, juniper, ginger, chamomile : Love is the best essential oil."

LOL!

blurgh!

We wage wars, we bleed blood that is not ours,
every week, we go wild with wanting and then ,
redeem ourselves , we wage wars.
Like children in a play pen
We sing lovely songs and laugh mirthlessly,
we lose sanity and beckon each other,
don't speak! you dont have to, instinctively
I know you and so, why bother.
Crimson lips fade from memory, and charms fail
across the days we spend alone and hauntingly alone,
crushingly quiet days and trying times prevail
we wage wars, we love like thunder, alone.
disappointment, and it comes calling
this love, it comes in the night, for you and for me
im trying to prevent it, im stalling
i dont want it for me, not for me

The Witch of Portobello

"For Me, LOVE FILLS EVERYTHING. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held victim because it is a river and will overflow its banks. Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it, and the trapped water will grow stagnant and rank."


the witch of portobello, Paulo Coelho

Weave

We spin dreams from the nothingness of our minds. We look at each other and laugh because we have come so far, and we shouldnt have. Nothing that has happened should have. This sort of happiness is absurd, isnt it? This sort of knowledge gets us nowhere. I can write a book on you, but I'd sit here protecting my heart, than would let you read.
Running from somewhere and headlong into stupidity. I wish we'd continue like this. I think I believe in forever, however absurd it is. You say, you dont weave your own traps. I wonder who weaves mine.
♥

Its funny how deep I am.

Written on the body...

"Love demands expression. It will not stay still, stay silent, be good, be modest, be seen and
not heard,no. It will break out in tongues of praise, the high note that smashes the glass and
spills the liquid. It is no conversationalist love. It is a big game hunter and you are the game A curse on this game. How can you stick at a game when the rules keep changing? I call myself
Alice and play croquet with the flamingos. In wonderland everyone cheats and love is
wonderland, isn't it? Love makes the world go round. Love is blind. All you need is love. Nobody ever died of a broken heart, You'll get over it. It'll be different when we're married. Think of
the children Time's a great healer. Still waiting for Mr Right? Miss Right? and maybe all the
little Rights?
Its the cliches that cause the trouble. A precise emotion seeks a precise expression. If what I feel is not precise then should call I love? It is so terrifying, love, and all I can do is
shove is under a dump bin of pink cuddly toys and send myself a greeting card
saying"Congratulations on your Engagement". But I'm not engaged. I'm deeply distracted.I am desperately looking the other way so that love won't see me. I want the diluted version, the sloppy language, the insignificant gestures. The saggy armchair of cliches. It's all right, millions of bottoms have sat here before me. The springs are well worn, the fabric smelly and familiar. I don't have to be frightened, look. my grandma and grandad did it, now I will do it won't I, arms outstretched, not to hold you, just to keep my balance, sleepwalking to that armchair. How happy we will be. How happy everyone will be. And they all lived happily ever after. "


"You'll get over it..." It's the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is
to alter your life forever. You don't get over it, because 'it' is the person you loved.the pain
stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particular-ness of
someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape no one else can fit in. Why would I want them to ?
I've thought a lot about death recently, the finality of it, the argument ending in mid-air.
one of us hadn't finished, why did the other one go? And why without warning? even death after long illness is without warning. The moment you had prepared for so carefully took you by storm. The troops broke through the window and snatched the body and the body is gone. The day before the Wednesday last, this time a year ago, you were here and now you're not. Why not? Death reduces us to the baffled logic of a small child. If yesterday why not today? And where are you?
Fragile creatures of a small blue planet, surrounded by light years of silent space. Do the dead
find peace beyond the rattle of the world? What peace is there for us whose best love cannot
return them even for a day? I raise my head to the door and think I will see you in the frame. I
know it is your voice in the corridor but when I run outside, the corridor is empty. There is
nothing I can do that will make any difference. The last word was yours.
The fluttering in the stomach goes away and the dull waking pain. Sometimes I think of you and
I feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded, drunk on champagne.All the things we did. And if
anyone had said this was the price I would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me; that with the hurt and the mess comes a shaft of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it."



"I miss you Louise. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. What then kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out
of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed,
the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call. "





"I've hidden those words in the lining of my coat. I take them out like a jewel thief when no one's watching. They haven't faded. Nothing about you has faded. You are still the color of my blood. You are my blood. When I look in the mirror, it's not my own face I see. Your body is twice. Once you once me. Can I be sure which is which."

Excerpts from "Written On The Body" by Jeannette Winterson.

the person falling here is me...

"And now I tell you openly -
You have my heart so don't hurt me
You’re what I couldn't find
A totally amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me "

the cranberries

photographs...

I LOVE photographs....