Why 2010 was awesome !

Why 2010 was awesome

(Actually 2010 was the second (2000, you still top THAT chart!) suck-iest year of my 21 years as a major part of the year was spent weeping into pillows, but yeah, flippancy is an art only few truly appreciate.)

1)      I didn’t have any major exam this year (I mean only my Graduation) and so was able to NOT be chained to the desk 6 months at a time. However this implies that I had to spend more time in the place where dreams go to die … ie my office… er… soo… (Why is number one on my list!!)

2)      My darling nephew got cuter and cuter and has started to recognize me and even points to me when asked “Favorite maushi kuthe aahe?” (Where’s your favorite aunt? No, really! ).. Of course this could also have something to do with me grinning stupidly at him and pointing at self. Repeatedly.

3)      Turned 21! Legally allowed to drink. And only legally! Hmpf!

4)      Saw “The Accidental Husband” …This by itself may not be worthy enough to be on any list. But I stared at Jeffrey Dean Morgan on a I-don’t-know-how-many-inches-but-its-a-huge-LCD. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. In a sherwani. Need I say more?!

5)      Got heart broken. (Blown to smithereens, more like it!) Now this is pretty high up on a list that is supposed to be about awesome things. Why, you ask. It’s like this, after many long and deep reflections about this, I realized that as saddening as events were, I get to re-write my love story. The slate has been wiped clean! Like Kathleen Kelly says “….But there is the dream of someone else” (Name that movie!)

6)      Bridget Jones’s Diary (and the sequel). Had seen the movie, but just read the book. Only two things to say British humor and Mark Darcy, Mark Darcy, Mark Darcy, MARK DARCY!!! (Ok, that was five!)

7)      Got my nose pierced. Loved it at the time, but then, now when I look at it, mostly I wonder what possessed me to do it! Like when you a get a super-short haircut on a whim.

8)      NO typhoid this year!

9)      Flirting is MUCH more fun when there is NO guilt attached what-so-ever!

10)  Got closer to family.

11)  Best friendships… through super lame guys and MARRIAGE PROPOSALS!! Hahaha !

12)  Mumbai didn’t get any terror attacks. (Touchwood!)

13)  Cut out a LOT of bullshit from life. Point blank.

14)  A whole year of weekends that were just so intellectually charged! Yumminess!

15)  Realize that I too can fake smiles. I used to abhor forced smiles and prided myself on a rather transparent nature of dealing with people. But have lately realized that I too can fake it ! Haha!

16)  The awesome-est part of 2010 is that … it is FINALLY over! May God Bless us all! see this - eM feels the same way .. and so do these awesome ladies at Jezebel!

Thank you

When and if  I, in a moment of weakness, replay our conversations, right from the lovey-dovey ones at the beginning to the bitter ones at the end, I see someone other than me in them.

In the giddy happiness of an adolescent I do not see myself anymore. I cannot relate to someone with such a sense of blinding happiness that it obliterates everything other than the feeling of being in love. Happiness and hope, with a spring in my step.

 

And if I, God forbid, happen to think of the last conversations we had, I see a helpless girl. A weak, pathetic being who had lesser faith in carrying on herself alone and would rather prefer to stay with a man desperately trying to get her off of his back. A sad being who was crying night after night because the "man of her dreams" was breaking up with her. I cannot relate to her either.

What you have done, unknowingly, is that you have changed me. You took a bright eyed girl and robbed her of her precious illusions.  This experience of being in love and falling out of it so drastically has changed me. I am now disillusioned and disenchanted. I no longer think of you on a pedestal and can see your many human flaws. I will see love for what it is now, the mounting highs and the stooping lows.  I am assured that I will not be swept away by the mere idea of love anymore. Head-over-heels? No, not me.

 

Also, now I know my own strength. I could jump into any number of relationships and come out unscathed because all the damage that was to be done to me, has already happened. I am no longer wearing relationship-blinkers and can see a spade for a spade.

 

So for all that, and much more, I would like to thank you. Thank you for the disillusionment.

(5th October 2010)

the words that don't come out...(Reposted from http://fervencyofhope.blogspot.com/)

You see the smile that's on my mouth, 
It's hiding the words that don't come out."


Recently I underwent a change so huge it shook me. I hid it (or atleast I think I did) and I smiled through it and only let the tears come when I was alone at night, watching the stars. In the day, I would get dressed, do my make-up routine and slap on a smile on my face and carry on like my heart wasn't breaking. Carried on as if the clearly thought-out dreams and hopes I had spun hadn't just been  tossed aside rather brutally.


So I mourned the loss. The loss of my trust, the loss of a friendship, the loss of much laughter and many smiles. The loss of so many conversations.  More than anything, the loss of my dreams.


And then it came to me. Very much like the famed realizations, very much like the shaft of light that throws things in a new perspective. What came to me was the following-


I could start over. I could choose a different path for myself. And I could dream a whole set of new things. I was a kid in a candy store and I could pick out something else now. Something I didn't know I wanted. I was free. I was free from the life I had picked out for myself three years ago. I was free and I could do something else now. I could BE someone else now. Or I could just be me.


Maybe I've learnt more in the past few weeks than I have in so long, and I have been shaken out of my lazed contentedness. I've lost so much in one fell swoop, it takes me time to fully comprehend the loss.


But I think, having found myself, was worth it.


(June 21,2010)