Questions

Questions can be tricky. And I love asking questions. Maybe its something to do with my thirst for knowing a person and then psychoanalysing them. If I could, I'd fill all my conversations with questions, quirky questions, thoughtful ones, funny and downright personal. When sometimes in the middle of a conversation after the "What else ?" 's, I ask a question to you. All I want to do is to get to know you better than I do now.
SO, these are some of my favourite questions. Lets keep it to 10 as of now. I always keep thinkin up more!

1. One thing you do when you're worried ?
2. When was the last time you felt terrible about something someone did, which no way related to you, but you felt horrible?
3. Crappiest book ever read?
4. Funniest love song ever heard?
5. Favourite literally character?
6. Irrational childhood fear?
7. Favourite picture?
8. Favourite word?
9. Best book read (of recent past) ?
10. When was the time you felt utterly and totally insignificant?

And since I love writing and talking (about myself) I shall answer them as well!!! LOL!

1. I put on music, any type and belt out the lyrics as loud as the singer... (not half as musically I'm afraid).
2. When I read about the 19 year old who tried to stab her day old baby to death using a ice-pick. The only time I also wanted to cry while reading the newspaper.
3. Oh, definitely, "A Painted House" by John Grisham .... I could never get myself to read another John Grisham after that. My mother tells me Im missing out on some real good literature, but I'm afraid of anything half as horrible as "A Painted House".
4. "Accidentally In Love" by the Counting Crows... not exactly funny, but it makes me laugh.
5. "Kabir Durrani", the unsuitable lover from Vikram Seth's A Suitable Boy.
6. Everytime we had to go on a trip that involved a train journey, I would always be certain that either we would miss it, or that we would leave our luggage behind in the train!
7. Is a picture of Dad, mom, my brother and me on a picnic... along with the picture perfect rug and picnic basket!
8. "Iridescence" which is an optical phenomenon characterized as the property of surfaces in which hue changes according to the angle from which the surface is viewed. Rainbow colors, if you may.
9. "The Kite Runner"
10. Everytime during rush hour at Dadar Station, on the bridge....there is an ocean of people hurrying and pushing past each other in an attempt to be there first... I feel so non-existent at that time.

Hmm, I love questions... Just not the ones that appear periodically on black and white papers, and have marks alloted next to them!!

Ecstasy

According to "The Witch of Portobello ", Paulo Coelho, ecstasy comes from a Greek word and means standing outside yourself. Its such a temptation laden word. I dont know why, but writers and authors use the word "ecstasy" to talk about making love, dancing in luxuriant waves , or being under the influence of substances, This is shoddy writing that Im writing, but someday when I know more about ecstasy, Ill write better.

"I can feel a pleasure, that's the pain
When I die, I died in vain
I can hear sweet temptations come
Come with me and we will fall

Ecstasy, misunderstood
Will you dance with me
As if I should?
And in the morning
The sun will shine
Still I can't shake her
Get out of my mind..."

Dolores O'riordan

Oh life, its bigger..

my blog seems like a shrine to this song...

As the world falls down...

As the world falls down, and the stars turn black,
as the roots of our foundations crumble and we turn,
towards each other for compassion and struggle to smile,
as the world falls down, love is what we will learn.
And sinews grow anew, and feelings are forgotten,
bones that are brittle no longer bend lovingly to you,
You could fall back on me, and as the world falls down,
I will always turn to you.
Maybe one day when no one understands this avalanche of trust,
and we can't explain to ourselves what it is, this happiness,
And as it all snaps, and great crumbling boulders of disparity,
I will always turn to you, amidst all the hurtful mess.
And rebuilding together, while wines grow old,
Laughing and twinkling like wound-up-toys, and smiling with ease ,
While we see me falling, and you save,
When the world falls down, save me please.

Sanjana R Chandorkar
29 August 2007

I carry your heart with me.

"I carry your heart with me
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

E.E.Cummings.

Even unrequited love has its own rainbow, some famous person said. I must have scoffed at it then, but now I feel differently.

vindicated.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated....

dashboard confessional

“For you, a thousand times over.”

Today , I read "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini.... and there was nothing I could do other than keep reading till I knew the end of the beautiful story. I tried to start studying in the middle, but I HAD to know! Its a splendid tale, and moreover I adore the way he writes, plain, simple and to the point. Somehow, I cant get myself to read Harry Potter or Eragon or those fantasy tales... I dunno, maybe its because everyone's reading that, or just that I believe its utter crap! lol... I don't think that magic is the way JK Rowling portrays it... with horcruxes (wht is the goddamned spelling again?!!) or with wands... I think, tht magic is everyday, its in all our days... Magic is in Amir lack of guts, and Hassan's undying love, Sohrab's courage... but that's just what i think...

that was not the point of this entry!! ... the point being that in the wonderful book, there is this phrase "For you, a thousand times over"... and it struck me as beautiful. Its putting forth all your love and faith towards one person and letting them know that you would do it for them, a thousand times over.

Which made me wonder, (like most things usually do), who is that one person I can say that to, in all honesty. Family, I believe is more obligation than love ( other than close family)... and friendships, well, its only a select few that stand the test of geography and changing interests...and the friendships that last long, are well, the nicest parts of a persons life... So I know tht I would happily do anything for the few real friends that I have. Sometimes I feel, love being a continuation of friendship is overwhelming because you strt to expect a lot from the person you love. Whereas, in friendship, you'd sooner accept them with all their faults because they have been the same to you....However they are, they are just right...

untitled 1

There comes a time, I believe, in every persons life, when in a split second, they know everything that they have lived by, and for has changed as of now. When, in a tiny space of time they realise that nothing can ever go back to what is was. That life, in all its existence has forever changed. For a new mother, its when her first baby is born. From that day, she ceases to be a just a wife, woman, daughter or daughter-in-law. She is now something new, something that rides higher than all that she has accomplished so far in life. And that little person she has just brought into the world, has, changed her life forever.

I remember that day so very clearly, I can still feel the faint chill of a sunny November Delhi noon. I remember that one phone call I had been dreading, albeit subconsciously, since the very beginning. I remember that amidst all the chaos, the only thing that mattered to me was that I must find and wear my shoes...well, because I'm an army kid, and army kids are always smartly dressed. I remember running down the stairs so fast that I was flying, holding onto the chipped navy blue railing of the building. Not crying, because it never struck me that it was the thing I would do. And then I remember seeing my mother's resigned bewildered face. I see her look for her mum, and when she sees her, she says the dreaded three words. That, the confirmation of my worst fears, was the moment that changed my life forever. I remember sitting down on the first available chair after that, because my knees have given way. I look out of the window at the kind doctors office, and try to count the cars parked in the parking lot, because that is distracting. I realise there is no going back now. I am not crying, because I'm numb. I'm not shocked, it just seems like this is a movie happening to someone else. I think of a tragic serial that aired at that time, and wonder if we will be also put up for adoption like the children in that serial. The time, from hearing a bad news, to the time that you actually assimilate it and understand the implications, that slice of time when everything is clear, and you hang in between, that was the time that changed me.

I may not be able to pin-point where I grew up, but I can tell anyone with eyes closed, when I grew up. One single event left me with a new label, something I was not earlier. One event, and so many different people have so many different memories of it.

I dont know why I'm writing this here, on a page that anyone can read. Its been so long since I made peace with God about it, and forgave Him. Somewhere along the line, maybe I even got closure. I don't know, it was just inside me and probably had to get out somehow.

you and me

"I don't pay attention to the ones who never cared

Find your own direction 'cos there's sweetness in the air

You will be the world to me and I will always be

Dwelling in this happiness, your gift of purity

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh [x2]

Aahh, you and me will always be

You and me Forever be,

Eternally will always be

You and me

Always be You and me Forever be,

Eternally It will always be You and me

Forever be, Eternally"

the cranberries!!!

to everyone on their "I don't believe in forever" day, this song puts you out of that mood, and makes u look up. That's what I adore about HAPPY love songs, they make you so much more hopeful! and you begin to dance and dream, eternally. (you and me)

BTW, dre, I've booked this song as mine!! lolz! find another one!

past caring, hopefully

You know that feeling, when nothing seems right, and you are past caring, I've reached there. This year so far, has been one major disappointment following another for me. I dont know why we look at some date in the future and feel that THAT ONE DAY everythings going to change. THAT ONE DAY, is going to be so awesome tht we are going to bask in its happiness for the next forthcoming weeks and hours and days. THAT ONE DAY lets you down so horribly, its sad.

I don't know why I'm such a child, resting all my hopes on that one day.

I'm very scared by the fact tht one person has such control over a person's happiness. That scares me and makes me wonder. Its ironical, that I with all my insecurities would go out and hand over my happiness to someone. I would have thought that I would, lock it up and protect it with swords!

I wish this year, and all its endurances would speed past fast.

We're waiting for change only to realise that we are stuck here forever. That we are stuck in this mole hill for what seems like ages n ages. The same phase, waiting and waiting and watching, hopefully. Why must our moment in the sun be a moment so far and so distant tht it hurts us?

why must I be destined to wait!

close to you

"Close To You"

"Why do birds suddenly appear
Everytime you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you...


Why do stars fall off from the sky
Everytime you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be,
Close to you...

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
They decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair
And put a starlight in your eyes so blue

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you, all around
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you...

Just like me, they long to be
Close to you....

Just like me, they long to be
Close to you....

Aah... Close to you.... "

the cranberries

I'm never getting over this song, am I?

feels

Someone Like You.

I don't remember the finer details of the movie, since I saw it ages ago on HBO... but I remember the central idea is tht the female lead (Ashley Judd) falls for the wrong guy, and lives with a totally detestable (only to her though!) dude, and in the end she realises tht the detestable dude, is actually THE one!! and hence, Someone Like You.

Wht I like most about the movie is the title, and I wish I could elaborate here as to wht it means to me. Its just so nice. So there. Like if someone were to ask you, wht sorta guy do u want, and you'd say "Someone Like You", wudnt tht be awesome?
(though it'd be really sad tht the person you want is actually daft enough not to realise tht!)


Is this making sense? Not to me!!

Charlie brown says...

Charlie Brown once said that the secret of life was to own a convertible and a lake. "If the sun is shining, you can drive around in your convertible and be happy . . . If it starts to rain it won't spoil your day because you can just say, 'Oh, well, the rain will fill up my lake!"

CHARLIEE!!!

I luv you, charlie brown.

“Happiness is anyone and anything that's loved by you.”

at my most beautiful...

Some songs are so simple, so plain about being in love. The writers havent made a fuss about being in love, and getting with it, u know. I hate songs that have lyrics like "Come over, suger-cube, i wanna touch you..." Not only is tht icky, it also makes for bad music taste! (lol!)



"I've found a way to make you
I've found a way
A way to make you smile

I read bad poetry
Into your machine
I save your messages
Just to hear your voice
You always listen carefully
To awkward rhymes
You always say your name,
Like I wouldn't know it's you,
At your most beautiful


At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes, secretly
With every one, whisper I love you
I let you sleep
I know you're closed eye watching me,
Listening
I thought I saw a smile..."
R.E.M


or this one, poignant and no hang-ups,

" Just a Perfect Day
Drank Sangria in the Park
And Later, when it gets dark
We go Home

Just A Perfect Day
Feed Animals in the Zoo
And Later, a movie too
And then Home

It's Such a Perfect Day
I'm Glad I spent it with you
Such a Perfect Day
You Just keep me hanging on
You Just keep me hanging on....."

duran duran.

I think I should have been born 10 yrs earlier thn wht I was!... atleast by music tastes!

thts me in the corner...

Well, since its my blog, Id like to write about me, or rather my perception about me.
I think, whatever is viewed closely, is most skewed. And so i think the most common mis-conception people have is about themselves. Because to be detached and think of oneself as someone else, well, I think that's capable of only great people, who've achieved Moksha!

So, us lesser mortals, well we fumble and founder but somewhere along the way, we find ourselves...

I've always had a mental picture about myself... when I was growing up, it was of this awkward and grumpy kid with short hair and a permanent frown... who didnt quite speak until spoken to, and once I broke the ice, well, then I'd never stop speaking at all.

The hair outgrew the rigourous haircut, and contact lenses replaced the heavy spectacles. The forever-frown eased into easy smiles, and people stopped recognising me. NO ONE from my dog-eared childhood recognises me.... (I wonder hw foolish!)

But did my mental picture change? I dont know. I dont think so. I'm still the easily-perturbed lil tubby kid, still the poet, still the over-hopeful romantic, still the lazy ass. Sometimes walking around town, I come across myself, during my stuck-up phase, or sometimes when I see a bunch of school girls laughing in the rain, I see my childhood again. (though I dont think I'm all tht far, anyways...)

Sometimes, I long to be a slender beautiful brunette with lovely lace dresses and maroon lipstick, and lovely sexy fingers, sipping margaritas... sitting at the edge of a beautiful fountain and with the breeze in my hair... Sometimes when I'm walking down the road I feel I'm her....

Do we change, or does our perception change? Or does people's perception about us change? When we do something tht we are ashamed or embarrased about, do we try to hide it because the picture that people have about us will change, or do we lock it up in our hearts because we dont want to change the way we think about ourselves?

Losing My Religion.

I've known and loved this song by REM for a long long time, but I dont know why today it had to hit me like that. The words and the way tht they have been written, struck me as odd. Like I ve always wanted to say it, but these ppl just got there earlier, much earlier.

The new blog name, as well is also a line frm the song.



"Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up...."


Choosing my confessions, how true. Isnt that what its all about? I wish we were allowed that! to choose wht we'd like to say. And thats how a blog comes about....

Daddy's Girl!

"Little woman gonna break your heart
Gonna miss her when you're both apart
She's a lady, but she'll always be Daddy's Girl "


Every little girl has her father around her little finger! At least I did! My father was my hero, and like every little girl, every time my mum said "No!" to anything, I stuck out my lip, and went to Pa. And, every time, his heart melted quicker than ice-cream in the Sun! He was proud of me, like I was of him. I loved it when he came home in his Army uniform, and gave me one big bristly kiss on my cheek. I remember once when I was six, I wore his shirt, and it reached my ankles! Growing up, we were the typical Indian family,- one elder son, younger daughter and two doting and very much in love parents. I wrote him letters when he went to the Exercise Area, with great big vines of flowers drawn with sketch pens in the margins. And he always wrote back, drawing an oval mustachioed face with a huge grin saying "Love, Pa".

Being little, allows us a few misleading facts about life. You cannot imagine days where you will not climb into the arms of a big loving man, on summer afternoons, and hear him say "Bimchooli". You cannot begin to comprehend that he will not get better. Its horrible being so little and being so lost.

"...And nothing quite so least as truth-
-I say though hate were why men breathe-
-because my Father lived his soul
Love is the whole and more than all "
...E E Cummings.


And now, God has been kind to give us a second chance, a chance to proudly claim to be a daddy's girl. A father to look upto and look towards for advice. Most importantly, a father to help a mother in the daunting task of bringing up children to be good persons. Its not always perfect, but its beautiful in its own disjoint way. Very few people get second chances, we are lucky to be one of those.

Love or Infatuation?

Love or Infatuation?
Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling out to another. Love is friendship
that has caught fire. It takes root and it grows-one day at a time. Infatuation is marked by sense of insecurity.You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy.there are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine closely. It might spoil the dream. Love is quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you- to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his presence even when he is far away. Miles do not separate you.You want him nearer. But near or far, you know he is yours, and you can wait. Infatuation says "We must get married right away. I cant risk losing him".Love says "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.If you are honest, you will admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy. Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he's away, you wonder if he's cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. He feels that trust, and it makes him even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things that you'll regret later, but love never will.
Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than you were before.

Ann Landers,
From "Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul.


This is undoubtedly my favourite piece of writing. I had to write it up and put it here! Lurve it!

over and over and over...

"Feeling your styles the causes your blankets that saved me
Over and over and over and over you played me
Afraid of rejection the places we went that defaced me
Over and over and over and over you saved me ...."

the coral sea.

I dont really know wht these lines mean, but I have a pretty picture in my mind!! Its a nice enough song that I heard on Grey's Anatomy.
Afraid of rejection. Damn, I hate it, the fear of rejection.
Stops us frm most of everything, right. Like something as simple as a new hair colour could be a thing you wouldnt do because you are afraid tht ppl might not like it, and will say "Yikes!"
But the nicest thing is when you are scared and afraid and they go out and save you. Over and over and over and over.... lolz!
this is crap, i dont evn understand wht i am typing anymore! i love this, no one reads my blog, and i can write whatever i want!!! lolz!

the great Nose-dive.

Well, life's just taken a nose-dive and I want to wallow in self pity, but I guess Im not even entitled to that, after doing everything that I do. I think its a rotten thing, this. What irritates me most is that ALL those plans that we had are down the drain, chute and pipe. Its so crappy, though I know that everything will, one day be fine, its just tht the waiting and anticipation has been so much that I guess only I know how much shattered it seems. Im not even bothered about the studying, just tht I believe, I deserved a break... whose prospects seem rather bleak now.

And then there are always the other things going on. I wish I could be one of those persons who could just stop feeling. But I dont and hence am not. Its so blue, my "love life", if you please. But its funny how happy one person can make me! And what sucks most is that my best-laid plans are well all gone now.

I guess life's trying sometimes but the sheer un-fairness of it all sucks!!!

"Life could have been, lovely and uncomplicated,
If the dreams that we were fulfulling were our own,
And days could have been lucky and iridescent,
-Look at how we've grown."

The worst part is how easy it is for someone to say "Its just 2o more days, yaar, cmon. "

CRAZY CRAZY NIGHTS!!!!

"And they try to tell us that we don't belong
But that's alright, we're millions strong
You are my people, you are my crowd,
this is our music, we love it loud

Yeah, and nobody's gonna change me, 'cos that's who I am "

KISSSSS!!!!

ONE MORE #$@#%#$% DAY

ONE
one
one
less thn some hours.


one

just one more day,through this crap. im so close now, im waiting for the panic to set in.

ONE


one.

Do Opposites Attract?

The other day, I was wondering if the proverbial opposites do attract. I asked, my esteemed and grown-up cousin, tht, well, since I am insane and weird, the guy that I hook up with, should be mad like me or sober and sensible. Accordingly to him , since opposites attract, the guy tht I shall end up with will be *hopefully* sober and sensible. Also, if he was half as mad as me, our kids would surely be demented. SO.

There is a sort of security when the person involved is so different from you. The fact tht you and them have very few common interests might be daunting but I dont think thats so much of a problem, coz all u need is love! I dont know, but I really like it, being sure that where you'll falter, he'll not. Being certain that he'll understand evn if he doesnt approve. And being sure, that the differences we have arent a hindrace, but they bolster us, make us wht we are, and thus lovable. I love being so different, we're wired so differently, we're great.


Though, I love the look on people's face when I do something characteristically mad, and "me."
I could grow old looking at the astonished at first, and then the amused expressions that everyone usually has! And, its just cute.



"We're like night and day - White and black
But what we have is a perfect match
When I say this - you say that
But love comes easy 'cause opposites attract"

A Perfect Match, A*teens!