Wishes

Though its all over and long past gone, somehow  I still think of you as mine. Or rather that you should have been mine. I'll be honest, I could be feeling this just because I'm not with anyone at the moment and the friends-with-benefits thing was rather crap, but somehow when I look at your pictures I still feel that you and I belonged together. That you were mine. Your eyes were mine to look deep into and your nose was mine to kiss on cold nippy mornings. It was ours. But even then, I know that I don't ever want you back, now that we are so broken. On extreme Bridget Jones-y days I feel that I would never be with you even if  you and I were the last people on earth. (If you were the last man on earth, I would gladly turn gay.) But even then, the feeling persists much like all this now-useless knowledge of you. 

But would I go back in time and do it all over again? Though I know the rational answer to this question would be a big resounding NO! but truthfully I know in my heart that in spite of everything that has ensued and all the awkwardness now, I  would still listen to my instinct and still fall so madly in love. Its because I've learnt so much, I've had so many experiences and grown so much as person, and also as a writer. Sometimes when the world and thoughts of chartered accountancy gets too much, I go and read my blog posts from the time I was falling in love. The thoughts I had and the things I wrote still surprise me and still make me wonder. I've taken chances that I always knew I would take. Its unfortunate that it fell through, but even so I like the fact that I didn't let it be an "if only...". 

" Wishing. wishing is a dangerous thing. look at what I wished and how it was granted. If I knew that this would ensue, would I have wished for you? I should hope so, I should wish so...."

Something I wrote way back in Oct 2008. Still makes sense to me.

Set the fire to the third bar ..

Once you realize the past is just a story, it has no power over you. 

If the past is just a story, is that a good thing? Are all the things that I have done just a story that could be happening to someone else? I don't believe that there is anything extraordinary in the events that have occurred in my life.Everything that has happened to me has already happened to someone else. Someone else lost a parent very young, someone else pressed flowers in heavy volumes, someone else collected beads, and someone else hated pink as a child. But even so, this is my story.We all want to think we are special and such is the nature of special, that no one is or conversely everyone is. 

At the same time, if the past is just a story, can I forget that its mine? It  loses its power over me. I am no longer a prisoner of the events, memories and thoughts and all those images in my head. My actions are no longer a result of all that has happened to me.  I can do and say things that I wouldn't otherwise. 


If the past is just a story, I want mine to be colorful and moving. Something that makes me tear up in joy or otherwise when I look back. I want my story to remind people of love letters and warm afternoons swathed in wool and impromptu hugs. Something special. 

Why 2010 was awesome !

Why 2010 was awesome

(Actually 2010 was the second (2000, you still top THAT chart!) suck-iest year of my 21 years as a major part of the year was spent weeping into pillows, but yeah, flippancy is an art only few truly appreciate.)

1)      I didn’t have any major exam this year (I mean only my Graduation) and so was able to NOT be chained to the desk 6 months at a time. However this implies that I had to spend more time in the place where dreams go to die … ie my office… er… soo… (Why is number one on my list!!)

2)      My darling nephew got cuter and cuter and has started to recognize me and even points to me when asked “Favorite maushi kuthe aahe?” (Where’s your favorite aunt? No, really! ).. Of course this could also have something to do with me grinning stupidly at him and pointing at self. Repeatedly.

3)      Turned 21! Legally allowed to drink. And only legally! Hmpf!

4)      Saw “The Accidental Husband” …This by itself may not be worthy enough to be on any list. But I stared at Jeffrey Dean Morgan on a I-don’t-know-how-many-inches-but-its-a-huge-LCD. Jeffrey Dean Morgan. In a sherwani. Need I say more?!

5)      Got heart broken. (Blown to smithereens, more like it!) Now this is pretty high up on a list that is supposed to be about awesome things. Why, you ask. It’s like this, after many long and deep reflections about this, I realized that as saddening as events were, I get to re-write my love story. The slate has been wiped clean! Like Kathleen Kelly says “….But there is the dream of someone else” (Name that movie!)

6)      Bridget Jones’s Diary (and the sequel). Had seen the movie, but just read the book. Only two things to say British humor and Mark Darcy, Mark Darcy, Mark Darcy, MARK DARCY!!! (Ok, that was five!)

7)      Got my nose pierced. Loved it at the time, but then, now when I look at it, mostly I wonder what possessed me to do it! Like when you a get a super-short haircut on a whim.

8)      NO typhoid this year!

9)      Flirting is MUCH more fun when there is NO guilt attached what-so-ever!

10)  Got closer to family.

11)  Best friendships… through super lame guys and MARRIAGE PROPOSALS!! Hahaha !

12)  Mumbai didn’t get any terror attacks. (Touchwood!)

13)  Cut out a LOT of bullshit from life. Point blank.

14)  A whole year of weekends that were just so intellectually charged! Yumminess!

15)  Realize that I too can fake smiles. I used to abhor forced smiles and prided myself on a rather transparent nature of dealing with people. But have lately realized that I too can fake it ! Haha!

16)  The awesome-est part of 2010 is that … it is FINALLY over! May God Bless us all! see this - eM feels the same way .. and so do these awesome ladies at Jezebel!

Thank you

When and if  I, in a moment of weakness, replay our conversations, right from the lovey-dovey ones at the beginning to the bitter ones at the end, I see someone other than me in them.

In the giddy happiness of an adolescent I do not see myself anymore. I cannot relate to someone with such a sense of blinding happiness that it obliterates everything other than the feeling of being in love. Happiness and hope, with a spring in my step.

 

And if I, God forbid, happen to think of the last conversations we had, I see a helpless girl. A weak, pathetic being who had lesser faith in carrying on herself alone and would rather prefer to stay with a man desperately trying to get her off of his back. A sad being who was crying night after night because the "man of her dreams" was breaking up with her. I cannot relate to her either.

What you have done, unknowingly, is that you have changed me. You took a bright eyed girl and robbed her of her precious illusions.  This experience of being in love and falling out of it so drastically has changed me. I am now disillusioned and disenchanted. I no longer think of you on a pedestal and can see your many human flaws. I will see love for what it is now, the mounting highs and the stooping lows.  I am assured that I will not be swept away by the mere idea of love anymore. Head-over-heels? No, not me.

 

Also, now I know my own strength. I could jump into any number of relationships and come out unscathed because all the damage that was to be done to me, has already happened. I am no longer wearing relationship-blinkers and can see a spade for a spade.

 

So for all that, and much more, I would like to thank you. Thank you for the disillusionment.

(5th October 2010)

the words that don't come out...(Reposted from http://fervencyofhope.blogspot.com/)

You see the smile that's on my mouth, 
It's hiding the words that don't come out."


Recently I underwent a change so huge it shook me. I hid it (or atleast I think I did) and I smiled through it and only let the tears come when I was alone at night, watching the stars. In the day, I would get dressed, do my make-up routine and slap on a smile on my face and carry on like my heart wasn't breaking. Carried on as if the clearly thought-out dreams and hopes I had spun hadn't just been  tossed aside rather brutally.


So I mourned the loss. The loss of my trust, the loss of a friendship, the loss of much laughter and many smiles. The loss of so many conversations.  More than anything, the loss of my dreams.


And then it came to me. Very much like the famed realizations, very much like the shaft of light that throws things in a new perspective. What came to me was the following-


I could start over. I could choose a different path for myself. And I could dream a whole set of new things. I was a kid in a candy store and I could pick out something else now. Something I didn't know I wanted. I was free. I was free from the life I had picked out for myself three years ago. I was free and I could do something else now. I could BE someone else now. Or I could just be me.


Maybe I've learnt more in the past few weeks than I have in so long, and I have been shaken out of my lazed contentedness. I've lost so much in one fell swoop, it takes me time to fully comprehend the loss.


But I think, having found myself, was worth it.


(June 21,2010)

almost lover ..

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


A fine frenzy, almost lover 

One for sorrow..

There are loads of birds nesting in the trees outside my windows. Typical city birds that nest in mango trees. Such as crows, pigeons, cuckoos, and parrots. I've seen them all come and chirp around in my window.
Today as I sat on my bed, looking out and as always, wondering about where I have reached, one lonely magpie hopped into my window.

How did that rhyme go? One for sorrow...

Talk about symbolism

but man, I loved yeah, I loved when I loved it was love it was love or at least, the closest I got

A very cute song I found while watching my favourite show.

Go here to see the song!

but man, I loved
yeah, I loved
when I loved
it was love
it was love
or at least, the closest I got


the elected

Twenty ONE! :O

Ten days ago, I turned twenty one
A quiet birthday, even though quite fun.
I hear, we wisen up with time
Apparently, we still don't learn how to rhyme!

guess whooo!

Yes!
I am back here!
after much experimentation which resulted in no DATES on my blog I decided to finally sort my poor blog out and came back to the url that felt like home ... all sunny and warm!

I was able to import the whole blog back WITH comments ! how awesome !