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There comes a time, I believe, in every persons life, when in a split second, they know everything that they have lived by, and for has changed as of now. When, in a tiny space of time they realise that nothing can ever go back to what is was. That life, in all its existence has forever changed. For a new mother, its when her first baby is born. From that day, she ceases to be a just a wife, woman, daughter or daughter-in-law. She is now something new, something that rides higher than all that she has accomplished so far in life. And that little person she has just brought into the world, has, changed her life forever.

I remember that day so very clearly, I can still feel the faint chill of a sunny November Delhi noon. I remember that one phone call I had been dreading, albeit subconsciously, since the very beginning. I remember that amidst all the chaos, the only thing that mattered to me was that I must find and wear my shoes...well, because I'm an army kid, and army kids are always smartly dressed. I remember running down the stairs so fast that I was flying, holding onto the chipped navy blue railing of the building. Not crying, because it never struck me that it was the thing I would do. And then I remember seeing my mother's resigned bewildered face. I see her look for her mum, and when she sees her, she says the dreaded three words. That, the confirmation of my worst fears, was the moment that changed my life forever. I remember sitting down on the first available chair after that, because my knees have given way. I look out of the window at the kind doctors office, and try to count the cars parked in the parking lot, because that is distracting. I realise there is no going back now. I am not crying, because I'm numb. I'm not shocked, it just seems like this is a movie happening to someone else. I think of a tragic serial that aired at that time, and wonder if we will be also put up for adoption like the children in that serial. The time, from hearing a bad news, to the time that you actually assimilate it and understand the implications, that slice of time when everything is clear, and you hang in between, that was the time that changed me.

I may not be able to pin-point where I grew up, but I can tell anyone with eyes closed, when I grew up. One single event left me with a new label, something I was not earlier. One event, and so many different people have so many different memories of it.

I dont know why I'm writing this here, on a page that anyone can read. Its been so long since I made peace with God about it, and forgave Him. Somewhere along the line, maybe I even got closure. I don't know, it was just inside me and probably had to get out somehow.