Questions

Questions can be tricky. And I love asking questions. Maybe its something to do with my thirst for knowing a person and then psychoanalysing them. If I could, I'd fill all my conversations with questions, quirky questions, thoughtful ones, funny and downright personal. When sometimes in the middle of a conversation after the "What else ?" 's, I ask a question to you. All I want to do is to get to know you better than I do now.
SO, these are some of my favourite questions. Lets keep it to 10 as of now. I always keep thinkin up more!

1. One thing you do when you're worried ?
2. When was the last time you felt terrible about something someone did, which no way related to you, but you felt horrible?
3. Crappiest book ever read?
4. Funniest love song ever heard?
5. Favourite literally character?
6. Irrational childhood fear?
7. Favourite picture?
8. Favourite word?
9. Best book read (of recent past) ?
10. When was the time you felt utterly and totally insignificant?

And since I love writing and talking (about myself) I shall answer them as well!!! LOL!

1. I put on music, any type and belt out the lyrics as loud as the singer... (not half as musically I'm afraid).
2. When I read about the 19 year old who tried to stab her day old baby to death using a ice-pick. The only time I also wanted to cry while reading the newspaper.
3. Oh, definitely, "A Painted House" by John Grisham .... I could never get myself to read another John Grisham after that. My mother tells me Im missing out on some real good literature, but I'm afraid of anything half as horrible as "A Painted House".
4. "Accidentally In Love" by the Counting Crows... not exactly funny, but it makes me laugh.
5. "Kabir Durrani", the unsuitable lover from Vikram Seth's A Suitable Boy.
6. Everytime we had to go on a trip that involved a train journey, I would always be certain that either we would miss it, or that we would leave our luggage behind in the train!
7. Is a picture of Dad, mom, my brother and me on a picnic... along with the picture perfect rug and picnic basket!
8. "Iridescence" which is an optical phenomenon characterized as the property of surfaces in which hue changes according to the angle from which the surface is viewed. Rainbow colors, if you may.
9. "The Kite Runner"
10. Everytime during rush hour at Dadar Station, on the bridge....there is an ocean of people hurrying and pushing past each other in an attempt to be there first... I feel so non-existent at that time.

Hmm, I love questions... Just not the ones that appear periodically on black and white papers, and have marks alloted next to them!!

Ecstasy

According to "The Witch of Portobello ", Paulo Coelho, ecstasy comes from a Greek word and means standing outside yourself. Its such a temptation laden word. I dont know why, but writers and authors use the word "ecstasy" to talk about making love, dancing in luxuriant waves , or being under the influence of substances, This is shoddy writing that Im writing, but someday when I know more about ecstasy, Ill write better.

"I can feel a pleasure, that's the pain
When I die, I died in vain
I can hear sweet temptations come
Come with me and we will fall

Ecstasy, misunderstood
Will you dance with me
As if I should?
And in the morning
The sun will shine
Still I can't shake her
Get out of my mind..."

Dolores O'riordan

Oh life, its bigger..

my blog seems like a shrine to this song...

As the world falls down...

As the world falls down, and the stars turn black,
as the roots of our foundations crumble and we turn,
towards each other for compassion and struggle to smile,
as the world falls down, love is what we will learn.
And sinews grow anew, and feelings are forgotten,
bones that are brittle no longer bend lovingly to you,
You could fall back on me, and as the world falls down,
I will always turn to you.
Maybe one day when no one understands this avalanche of trust,
and we can't explain to ourselves what it is, this happiness,
And as it all snaps, and great crumbling boulders of disparity,
I will always turn to you, amidst all the hurtful mess.
And rebuilding together, while wines grow old,
Laughing and twinkling like wound-up-toys, and smiling with ease ,
While we see me falling, and you save,
When the world falls down, save me please.

Sanjana R Chandorkar
29 August 2007

I carry your heart with me.

"I carry your heart with me
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

E.E.Cummings.

Even unrequited love has its own rainbow, some famous person said. I must have scoffed at it then, but now I feel differently.

vindicated.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated....

dashboard confessional

“For you, a thousand times over.”

Today , I read "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini.... and there was nothing I could do other than keep reading till I knew the end of the beautiful story. I tried to start studying in the middle, but I HAD to know! Its a splendid tale, and moreover I adore the way he writes, plain, simple and to the point. Somehow, I cant get myself to read Harry Potter or Eragon or those fantasy tales... I dunno, maybe its because everyone's reading that, or just that I believe its utter crap! lol... I don't think that magic is the way JK Rowling portrays it... with horcruxes (wht is the goddamned spelling again?!!) or with wands... I think, tht magic is everyday, its in all our days... Magic is in Amir lack of guts, and Hassan's undying love, Sohrab's courage... but that's just what i think...

that was not the point of this entry!! ... the point being that in the wonderful book, there is this phrase "For you, a thousand times over"... and it struck me as beautiful. Its putting forth all your love and faith towards one person and letting them know that you would do it for them, a thousand times over.

Which made me wonder, (like most things usually do), who is that one person I can say that to, in all honesty. Family, I believe is more obligation than love ( other than close family)... and friendships, well, its only a select few that stand the test of geography and changing interests...and the friendships that last long, are well, the nicest parts of a persons life... So I know tht I would happily do anything for the few real friends that I have. Sometimes I feel, love being a continuation of friendship is overwhelming because you strt to expect a lot from the person you love. Whereas, in friendship, you'd sooner accept them with all their faults because they have been the same to you....However they are, they are just right...

untitled 1

There comes a time, I believe, in every persons life, when in a split second, they know everything that they have lived by, and for has changed as of now. When, in a tiny space of time they realise that nothing can ever go back to what is was. That life, in all its existence has forever changed. For a new mother, its when her first baby is born. From that day, she ceases to be a just a wife, woman, daughter or daughter-in-law. She is now something new, something that rides higher than all that she has accomplished so far in life. And that little person she has just brought into the world, has, changed her life forever.

I remember that day so very clearly, I can still feel the faint chill of a sunny November Delhi noon. I remember that one phone call I had been dreading, albeit subconsciously, since the very beginning. I remember that amidst all the chaos, the only thing that mattered to me was that I must find and wear my shoes...well, because I'm an army kid, and army kids are always smartly dressed. I remember running down the stairs so fast that I was flying, holding onto the chipped navy blue railing of the building. Not crying, because it never struck me that it was the thing I would do. And then I remember seeing my mother's resigned bewildered face. I see her look for her mum, and when she sees her, she says the dreaded three words. That, the confirmation of my worst fears, was the moment that changed my life forever. I remember sitting down on the first available chair after that, because my knees have given way. I look out of the window at the kind doctors office, and try to count the cars parked in the parking lot, because that is distracting. I realise there is no going back now. I am not crying, because I'm numb. I'm not shocked, it just seems like this is a movie happening to someone else. I think of a tragic serial that aired at that time, and wonder if we will be also put up for adoption like the children in that serial. The time, from hearing a bad news, to the time that you actually assimilate it and understand the implications, that slice of time when everything is clear, and you hang in between, that was the time that changed me.

I may not be able to pin-point where I grew up, but I can tell anyone with eyes closed, when I grew up. One single event left me with a new label, something I was not earlier. One event, and so many different people have so many different memories of it.

I dont know why I'm writing this here, on a page that anyone can read. Its been so long since I made peace with God about it, and forgave Him. Somewhere along the line, maybe I even got closure. I don't know, it was just inside me and probably had to get out somehow.

you and me

"I don't pay attention to the ones who never cared

Find your own direction 'cos there's sweetness in the air

You will be the world to me and I will always be

Dwelling in this happiness, your gift of purity

Eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh, eh-ee-oh [x2]

Aahh, you and me will always be

You and me Forever be,

Eternally will always be

You and me

Always be You and me Forever be,

Eternally It will always be You and me

Forever be, Eternally"

the cranberries!!!

to everyone on their "I don't believe in forever" day, this song puts you out of that mood, and makes u look up. That's what I adore about HAPPY love songs, they make you so much more hopeful! and you begin to dance and dream, eternally. (you and me)

BTW, dre, I've booked this song as mine!! lolz! find another one!

past caring, hopefully

You know that feeling, when nothing seems right, and you are past caring, I've reached there. This year so far, has been one major disappointment following another for me. I dont know why we look at some date in the future and feel that THAT ONE DAY everythings going to change. THAT ONE DAY, is going to be so awesome tht we are going to bask in its happiness for the next forthcoming weeks and hours and days. THAT ONE DAY lets you down so horribly, its sad.

I don't know why I'm such a child, resting all my hopes on that one day.

I'm very scared by the fact tht one person has such control over a person's happiness. That scares me and makes me wonder. Its ironical, that I with all my insecurities would go out and hand over my happiness to someone. I would have thought that I would, lock it up and protect it with swords!

I wish this year, and all its endurances would speed past fast.

We're waiting for change only to realise that we are stuck here forever. That we are stuck in this mole hill for what seems like ages n ages. The same phase, waiting and waiting and watching, hopefully. Why must our moment in the sun be a moment so far and so distant tht it hurts us?

why must I be destined to wait!